Dear Sally Ann
I've been in a relationship for a little while now and I'm getting annoyed with my boyfriend's need to look at other women. He never stops checking out other women even while I'm with him. He even looks at my friends. He always laughs it off and says he's only joking, but it's starting to make me feel insecure. He's a nice guy but I can't bear this habit of his. Am I being stupid?
Amy

answer

Dear Amy
Well, they do say that just because you're in a relationship it doesn'tmean that you're dead. Men will always check out other women just as womenwill always check out other men. The difference is that we don't sit therestaring at a guy's crotch with our tongues hanging out and dribble.

Some men are mesmerised by breasts. If you watch closely you can see their eyeballs hypnotically attach themselves to cleavage and they hardlyever waver upwards to register a face. You can hardly feel jealous of adisembodied woman but that doesn't mean that it isn't slightly distasteful.It's one of those areas of male behaviour where you're supposed to think'Ah, the poor thing is but a stupid bloke and he can't help himself'. Thereare quite a few areas like this, actually.

I don't like the idea that your boyfriend scopes your friends but I supposethat will have to go in the 'stupid bloke' bag too. The question is, is heogling or leching? The former is regrettable, but there is no cure for it,whereas the latter is sliding towards icky-yucky. In their defence, menalways say that they have to look at other women to establish that theyshouldn't be looking at them. That's a neat argument but it doesn't quiteexplain the horrible wandering eye thing that is making you feel insecure.This isn't one of those problems where I would suggest a long andmeaningful conversation needs to be had. Simply tell your boyfriend not tobe so obvious because you don't like it. You're not being silly, he is; butit's impossible to rationalise a reflex. I go for the goose and ganderapproach. Next time you are in a social situation and he clunkingly checksout other women, mirror his behaviour. Drool a little and then when hetells you off - which he surely will - blush prettily and pretend you don'tknow what he's talking about. Do the darting eye thing and then smile athim lovingly as if he's just come back into focus. When he starts to make afuss, laugh it off and say you're only joking. This will sound familiar tohim and in this way the lesson should be learnt.

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Roving eye